I am incredibly frustrated with myself these days. The reason is hedonism while the actual reason might be laziness and procrastination. But when I tried to find the reason behind the laziness and procrastination, it is pointed out to the hedonic lifestyle I am leading these days. Two-three years back, I was at the top of my form. I work in a media production house, which requires motivation, innovation, and labor all the time. There was a time when amidst the all days and weeks of tiring works, I still could do all my works effortlessly and that too with a passion and not as a mere duty. After the end of those days, I had still the energy left to come home, watch movies, talk shows, sitcoms, read blogs, magazines, even write something of my own. I still remember doing one documentary film about dams of Odisha – which required engineering knowledge to understand the subject and write the script which I had none. That assignment was urgent and had a strict deadline. After collecting all the technical details and recollecting words that the engineers were using at the time of the shooting, I sat and wrote a 7 paged script in 5 days containing complex engineering terms. And the big thing is that the script was approved without much editing. But it is not happening anymore. Writing on a subject that is even close to my heart or interest is taking significant time now. And it also feels like a duty. I am doing or trying doing because I am supposed to – not because I genuinely want to have my hand on the project. Similar things happening at home – lacking the enthusiasm to watch TV, movies. Reading books has become a memory of past life. Personal writings! – who has the time for that!

Then what I am doing these days? Hint – Facebook, Instagram, and Amazon. Well, work pressure at the office has been less from last two years. Those fewer works are also not that challenging where one can explore the brain fully. But there are no compromises in the salary. We get paid at the beginning of the month without fail. Thanks to Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and PM of India, I have slowly begun to know how to utilize my free time. Hint – Facebook, Instagram, and Amazon. Or in better words, how to make free time for Facebook, Instagram, and Amazon.

Yes, I have been addicted to social media and online shopping. Consumption and consumerism are eating all my time. No matter how much I want to restrict myself, my hands automatically go and click on social media apps. No matter how many clothes I already have or how efficient my mobile phones, laptops, music systems are still are, I check out every sale to see if I get a discount on products that I don’t need. I joined Instagram to shape my photography skill and get exposed to the various photographic expressions people are making around the world. I have got what I wanted but still using it like an addicted. There is no need to be informed about the daily lives of people or read so many articles. One hour of a daily newspaper is sufficient. But no, I am not reading a newspaper these days too. I just scroll and scroll on mobile phones, without reading anything in particular. Even if I come across an article or news item, I keep that bookmarked for reading later which never ever happens. If you decide to go to bed at 12 am, you switch off the lights and just want to have a last check of the mobile phone, it is 2 am now and you are still awake checking your mobile phone. What these activities yield! – delay, procrastination, failure, and frustration.

Non-addicted people may wonder that why don’t I just get rid of these addictions; why I don’t just keep mobile phones off and watch a movie or read something. I have tried, but thanks to the programming of mind and blow to concentration skills by Facebook, I have repeatedly failed. The mind has been programmed to run wild; at one second you are watching a movie, the next second you are checking out a white shirt on Myntra that the hero has worn – thoughts that change like the infinite scroll of Facebook. Nowadays social media postings are being produced keeping users’ short attention span in mind! – just think about that. Who are being affected by such acute addiction? Certainly, not the teenagers, people with 9 to 5 jobs or old people but people who have some dreams, aspirations, responsibilities, or goals are dying a slow death. They are gradually becoming barren – both creatively and financially.

I have been trying to break this addiction and gain self-control so that I can go back to my old productive days or what they say in cricket ‘return to form’. I went to sleep early last night without checking phone and slept well. I want to end this write-up with a dream I watched last night.

I don’t remember the first dream. In the second dream, I was at the hospital square of my hometown Puri in the dead of the night. It was car festival and the crowds were there. It seemed weird like any other dream because – why the chariots are being pulled at the night! But it changed. It was now pre-evening. I discovered myself pushing through an entrance besides which there seemed to be a big roman colosseum type of structure. The entrance is a passage through a tiffin shop whose owner was a known photo studio owner of Puri. I went through it and find myself sitting in the gallery of that colosseum amidst the veterans and old women. But nothing happened there. I was perhaps expecting the chariots in the middle of the ground. I returned to hospital square. It was now noon. I found a photographer friend looking and waiting for the chariots to show up. But not a single one showed up. It was nighttime again. I was still at the hospital square walking ahead. I saw an old man and wanted to click a photo. He asked ‘will you give me a paisa’. I nodded and handed over a water bottle. As he began to drink, I woke up. I was dehydrated. I gulped down one or two mouthfuls of water and tried to sleep again.

I found myself again on some roads I could not recognize. It was late in the night. There were not many people in those streets. I wandered here and there. I tried to know where I was all of a sudden. I saw few people who seemed like laborers. They were in hurry to leave for some places. I went and ask ‘what is this place’. They could not hear me. I asked again ‘where am I exactly’? One of them uttered an unknown village kind of name. I asked ‘but where it is exactly’.  He said ‘Madhyapradesh’. I kind of fell to the ground. How! I was at Puri, in the hospital square a few seconds back! He said ‘come with us or walk about ten kilometers to reach there. A bus will be available there around 4 am which can take you to Odisha. I walked and walked. I reached a lane inhabited by poor Muslim families. They were all awake and active like they were having a festival. I don’t know how I entered a house which was like a train bogie – rooms after room but two-storeyed. It felt I was being pushed from behind to move from one room to another room to another storey. There was some dark alley in the middle after which I entered into a typical blue coloured narrow room with no space to stand. Some teen muslim girls were merry-making there. After discovering me there, they tried to push and pull me here and there. I was annoyed and in pain. They were not letting me escape from that room. After a force, I broke out of one of the girl’s claws. As I was making my return, she got mad and ran. When I was at the entrance of that house, she was already there weeping, and saying to some elderly people ‘do not harm him, it was all my fault, he has done nothing’ like a drama queen of Bollywood film- as if I have molested her or something like that. All those people who seemed to be the girl’s father and uncle were looking at me ferociously. I tried telling the truth but they tried to catch me while mouthing ‘let’s get them married’. I escaped the situation in a moment and found myself at my home lane at Puri. It was still dead night. All were asleep. No one was in sight. I walked fast, made a left turn, walked some more, then made another left turn after which my home was supposed to come. But where it was! I was at someplace else. There was no home, not even any neighbours. I had reached a new unknown place. It seemed like a large park which only found in some metropolitan cities. I wandered trying to reach its exit. I found a big entrance gate. It was still open. I crossed and looked behind to find any names that might be written somewhere on the gate. But there were no names and the gate was absolutely small and closed. I looked ahead. There were wide roads with big trees covering the top. It seemed like places one sees in foreign movies. It was dark everywhere with faint light here and there. I woke up as the morning lights from the window fell on my face.

As I was brushing my teeth with last night’s dreams still fresh in memory, I wondered what on the earth I saw last night and why. I tried recollecting everything that happened in the dream and found one important thing that – I was trying to find a home. I was lost. I wanted to be at home. But does this home symbolize a time of my life in which I was creatively active, optimally productive! Is that home a time before the addiction! Are those unknown dark places the web of Facebook posts, Instagram pictures, amazon products that are pulling pushing me here and there! I am not sure. But that dream was a nightmare – like the mobile phone social media addiction.